How do I handle getting hurt by people in the church?
All too often we hear or experience people who leave the church or the faith because of the hurtful actions of someone in the church. Whether the hurt is verbal, emotional, or whether it goes as far as being physical, people experience hurt in the church.
Have I personally experienced hurt in the church? Yes. I've had people say and do things to me that I did not like that were very hurtful. When I was growing as a young Christian becoming a new member of a church, I decided to move closer to the pastor in order to pay closer attention. As a result, I was told that I was not welcome to sit in that seat because it had been their seat for twenty plus years and I needed to move. If that had been six months earlier, I would have been one of those that left the church because of the actions of somebody else! That has happened to me twice. We also experienced a very big issue that caused deep, deep hurt personally and also in the life of my family. It was years deep and to be honest I wanted to quit. I wanted to walk away. I can say to you that I understand how real and how hard the hurt can be.
Did you know this that Jesus experienced hurt from church members? Jesus was hurt by His disciples who were the first church members. Jesus was betrayed. He was sold out by His church members. He was talked about behind His back. He was lied straight to His face. Think about Judas pretending to be someone that he was not and all the lies he fed Jesus. Jesus was forsaken in His moment of greatest need by all His members. Jesus feels your hurt because He understands the hurt He felt from those closest to Him.
I may not be able to fix your hurt but I want to give you some truths I have learned personally that may help you have a better perspective or to gain a greater understanding on how to deal with the hurt.
Be careful not to place unrealistic expectations on people or the church.
I made this mistake early on. I did not grow up in church. When I became a believer I thought the church was going to be this perfect place. I was away from the world and the treatment I experienced there. I thought the people will act perfect. These are Christians, right? But that's not the case at all. You see, the church is made up of unperfect, messed up people. So they're going to have problems. I made the mistake of placing unrealistic expectations on people to treat me perfect and without any wrong doing but that's just not the case. Why? Because a church is a group of unperfect, messed up people who have voluntarily joined themselves together to carry out the Great Commission. Notice I emphasize "unperfect" and "messed up". We are believers and have been forgiven but we still have a sin nature that hinders us from treating and act perfectly all the time.
A church includes people who are at every stage of growth in their Christian life. You have some that are brand new to the faith. There may be some coming out of a life of addiction and so they're going to have some rough edges. You have some that are mature who have been growing in their faith. They've been a part of a church and they're living out Christ's teachings. You're going have some that could care less about the teachings of Christ. You have some that may be backslidden. With this many messed up people there's a big possibility someone may do or say something to you that will hurt you.
Remember not every person in the church is a Christian.
I know that's a hard one to swallow but Paul taught this. He said there are wolves in sheep's clothing and they desire nothing more than to kill and destroy the church and its members. So there are just some people who don't care a bit about treating you like Jesus teaches and their main objective is to stir up strife. On the flip side of that, there are some amazing believers in churches! I know many of them and am friends with some tremendous families in our church. So in order to experience the amazing ones, you won't have to put up with the crazy ones! That's just the way it is.
Practice forgiveness.
Practice the same forgiveness that you have received from Jesus Christ which was unconditional forgiveness. We all need forgiveness and extra patience. When I say forgiving, it doesn't mean that you have to allow someone to hurt you again or run all over you. That's not the idea of forgiveness. Forgive but be wise and discerning. Don't dare put yourself in harm's way again. Can I say this? Don't get bitter, get better! That's what forgiveness will allow you to do. Forgiveness will allow you to move forward walking through the hurt.
Don't blame God for the actions of others.
So many times I hear people getting mad at God or making accusations at God for the hurt they have experienced on behalf of someone else. God created us all with a free will. We have the ability to choose and with that comes the ability to harm people or love people. Also, don't blame others in the church for the actions of another. Don't get mad at the entire church for the actions of one or just a few.
You have or will soon hurt someone too.
We are always worried about ourselves and someone hurting us. We must remember that we're unperfect and messed up too. So at some point you have or will hurt someone. Don't hold others to a higher standard than yourself!
You are responsible for you not them.
God is not going to accept my excuses nor is He going to accept your excuses for not worshiping and serving Him in the context of a local church because of the actions of another. He tells us in Romans 14:10, "But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ. For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God."We are not responsible for the actions of others, We are responsible for our own actions. We can stand and give God every single excuse for not being a part of a church but He is not gonna accept those excuses because we're responsible ourselves.
I understand you may be deeply hurt right now at this very moment or you may have been hurt at a very recent time. I don't minimize it one bit. But can I say this, you can work through the hurt and you can grow through this. Pray and seek God's help for forgiveness. That's where it begins. It's forgiving that person, that party, or that family. Then, pray and seek God for clarity and understanding in the matter. God can and will help you through the hurt that you've experienced in your life.
